I know you are very upset from me and no matter what I say now, You seem to have make up your mind about us. Us, A special special word it is, isn’t it? Its beautiful how two people make one relation and how that relationship inspires them to do the unordinary things in life. Things like sacrifice, things like commitment, things like love. As I start writing this letter tear eyed, on my bed, at 1, I feel liberated, I feel relaxed, I feel being heard… and it is a beautiful feeling to express yourself to the one you care, I am trying to do just that. Yes we do have had ups and downs in our 4 year long association, but then neither you nor me, can deny the fact that we did loved each bit of it. The fights, the love, the smiles, the jokes, the kisses, the hugs, the tears… they were all worth it, as long as they were with you.
I am strange and unique, just as every individual on this planet. I have my share of desires, my level of understanding of life, my values of sins and sanity, my insecurities, my inspirations and my dreams. The one who knows them all is you. I have always been a blatant liar, always. As long as I recall myself, I have been the one, who was diplomatic, uncourageous and politically cheap in my conduct. Yet saying all this, I feel there has been a side of me that I have never known prior to meeting you. A side of me, that knows how to speak the truth, how to be unashamed of what I am, how to be clear and expressive in front of someone whom he wishes to win, a side that I know just because I met you, and just because you allowed me to be what I wished to be.
In the world driven by fakeness, attitude, and materialism, Our bond is the closest that can possibly be to divinity. We have prayed more for each other, cared for each other, held and helped each other, and wishes and love exchanged has been more then gifts exchanged. Its unreal how we have been with each other, or rather, how you have been with me. The girl who always was there. In a way, whatever I am I owe to you, because 1 thing that lacked in my life, before you was ‘reason’. Reason to excel, reason to perform, reason to be what I wanted to be, and in the process of winning u again and again and again, I found that reason. I found me. Its unreal, how the way you look at me, makes me feel special, makes me feel unique, makes me feel strong.
Everyone around me, sees me, the way I want them to see. I carry an Image, an impression that lasts. I work hard on that very image and it’s a tiresome process, to keep everyone happy and to try and win everyone’s heart and mind, whoever It may be. I am someone who is a big ‘wannabe’, an under achiever desperately who seek attention but in your case everything had been different. In front of you, I am me. Just me. The way I am in real, my sinful dreams, my unrealistic ambitions, my lies, my deceptions, my illusions are all right there in front of you, and still you love me. Its unreal, its unnatural, its divine. When I look back at all that I have shared with you, I find myself puzzled, at how on earth I said things to you, that I did. Those fantasies, those habits, those moments. I guess, if honest confessions is a parameter of transparency in a relation, Our relationship was hundred percent honest.
I’m so stupid, that both you and me know, I might end up somewhere in the dark lonely road someday. Like all others like me, I would too become, a distant memory, a humble broken wing, an unsaid poetry, someday. I feel someday, I will be a part of the pain whose fantasies I have carried for so long in my heart. The desire to perish, the desire to burn, the desire to bleed. My depressed heart wonders of the time that shall come as you would leave me. I see tears that will return every now and then, I see fears that shall never be shared with anyone ever, I see dreams broken and shattered, and a lonely boy trying to collect those glass pieces and getting drown in blood in that process. I see the life without you, and I find death more tempting.
Supposing that this is the last time, I am talking to you… before I end up this letter, as I am already drenching in tears and pain… I want to confess –
I am more mad and depressed then I showed myself
I am deeply in love with you, and I am a jerk to not being able to show it
I care for you a lot and I feel hurt and angry that I could never eradicate the distance between us
I lust you for the love I have, for the way you look, for how I smell when I am wrapped in your arms
I feel your eyes, are distinctly beautiful, it captures my imagination. It made me a poet.
I might break a million times if you leave me, Stay. Just stay. And don’t leave me to myself, as I am not in love with myself, the way you are or were with me. I need that love. Save me from the man I might become. Love me, one more time.
Be the girl, that I wanted you to be. Look yourself in the mirror from my eyes and you will find the desires, the dreams, the wishes that I had for you. I believe in you a lot and I know you can make it to a position in life where you can dictate your own terms to life and everyone that is a part of your life. You deserve to rule. You deserve to smile. You deserve to be loved, and loved till infinite stretches of human care and compassion.
I am sharing with you a letter that I wrote to her, along with this letter in the envelope. Read that too, I am at fault, and I have spoiled her life. I did met her, and what happened, that I shall tell you tomorrow when we will meet. Now I am so confused whether to come clean shave or not tomorrow, cos I want you to fell in love with me again, I think I look better clean shave but you like my raw look. Grrrr..why the fuck am I writing this too? Anyways…
I am ending this letter with a piece of poetry as always….
I love you a lot, I need you a lot… Mujhe Tumhari Bahut Jarurat hai aur tumhe ye pata hai. Phir bhi kyun tum mujhse dur jaa rahi ho? Kya tumhe nahi pata ki hum kaise rehte hain, jab bhi hum saath hote hain? Kya tumhe nahi pata ki hum ek dusre ki khushi mein khush hote hain? Kya tumhe nahi pata ki mera har sapna tumse kitna jud gaya hai? Kahan ja rahi ho? Kyun ja rahi ho?
Jab kal raat pyaas lagi toh yaad aaya ki hum kab se pyaase they
Raat ki un tanhaiyon mein har lamha jaagey they
Aur yaad aaya ki zindagani mein aapse kya kya mila…
Ek hansi se jeene ka sahara mila
Ek hansi se dubey ko kinara mila
Ek hansi se patjhad k mausam khile
Ek hansi se khushiyon k manzar mile
Jab kal raat aankh lagi toh paaya hum kitne akele hain
Raat ki khamoshi mein sapno ki bebasi se khele hain
Aur yaad aaya ki zindagani mein aapse kya kya mila….
Un ankhon ka nasha jisne paimaane chuda diye
Un ankhon ki jhalak jisne dhoke bhula diye
Un ankhon ki nazaakat jisne hayaa sikha di
Un ankhon ki gehrai jisne duniya bhula di
Yaadon k bhanwar mein is kadar kho gaye
Waqt ka ehsaas hi na hua aur hum puri raat ro gaye
Aaj ek haare huye dil ki koi fariyaad sun le
Aaj ek tanha akele ki koi awaaz sun le
Aaj ek humdard ki talash koi puri kar jaaye
Aaj ek sahare ki kami koi puri kar jaaye
Aaj do pal meethey koi khairaat mein hi de de
Aaj ek lamha pyaar ka koi majaak mein hi de de
Koi tumhari jagah na le paye sahi
Bas do pal k jazbaat hi de de
Jab kal raat aansu bahey toh paaya ki is kadar dard mein toh hum jee na payengey
Zakhm itne genre hain ki agar marham na mile toh hum inhe see na payengey!
Not a minute goes by
That you are not here with me
On me, at me, in me.
Like the one that beats as long as I will live…
A presence in my heart
Constantly with me
In my thoughts
In my soul
In my dreams
In my screams
In my wishes
In my kisses
In my sun
In my rain
In my shadows
In my feelings…
In the depths of my being
Is You....I love you
I hope someday you'll have a beautiful life. I hope you'll be sun in somebody else's sky. But why, whyyyyy can't it be mine?
Yours and Only yours,
PS – I am attaching a few rose petals with this letter, that are there in the envelope, and that is exactly how your memories smell. Oh please, embrace me and fight again for me, for you, for us. :’( I Love you. I never meant those fights, I never meant those hurts, I never meant when I said ‘leave me alone’, I am complicated, just as you are… The only difference is, I am psychologically mad and you are not. Don’t leave me alone, I need your care, I need it. I SAID…I NEED IT. :’( hold me please.