Mushy random Scribbles

DISCLAIMER - Not A Work Of Fiction! Inspired by the heart that beats within me and cries for your care, every single breath of my life...


Ek aag si tapish,
ek ruh sa sukoon,
Iqraar ki kashish...
Milan ka junoon!

Waqt ruk gaya usi pal
aapka jo deedaar hua!!
aapke husn ki roshni mein jagmag,
mera suna sansaar hua!!
Daastaan apni sunani toh thi unhe
par jaane kyun aaj phir khamosh reh gaye?
Apni hi dhuno ko alwaaz na miley!
taqdeer ko kismat k saath na miley!!
Ya shayad unki aakhon ki gehrayi ne..
aur unki palkhon ki masumiyat ne...
Humein phir sab kuch bhula diya!!
soch mein dubey hain,
sawalon ki mehak se madhosh,
mazilon k mayane har pal badal rahe hain,
Humsafar hai jo chalne ka naam nahi leta...!!
ye kaisa mod hai?
ye kaisi mulaqat hai?
na saath ki khushi; na judai ka gum.
.
.
bas ek khamoshi humare aansuon pe hassti si
bas ek lehar humare ishaaron pe masti si
bas ek lamha har aarzo mein thamta sa
bas ek khwaab humari palkhon pe jamta sa
bas ek pal har saans mein bikhra sa
bas ek phool humare honthon pe nikhra sa
bas ek ladki thodi pagal si
bas ek ladka thoda pagal sa!

******************



Don't stare at me
with a question in your eyes
I have no answer
I need you... I love u... I miss u... and thats all I really know!
One day I will rule over you
Just the way you have tamed my senses!

%%%%%%%%%%%%


Ek waqt aisa aayega...
jab...
.
.
Is kadar meri yaad tumhe satayegi...
bechaini khumaar bankar tumpar chayegi
sochte rehna tab ki tumhara humdun kahan hai
koi kahega tumse ki woh khush hai jahan hai
Tab tut k rotey rehna apni tanhaiyon mein
phir yaad karke is pyaare se dost ko!

***********************

PS - Pain is the strongest aspect of love. Its beauty lies in its cause and reasons...which are understandable, solely to your own soul! There are too many questions that My heart asks to itself and there are a too many answers that it gets from within its own self. are you Confused reading this ??? Imagine... what I go through! Love at times...make you feel so so trapped! But Who wants to get free anyways. winks!

PPS - milke bhi, hum na mile.Tumse na jaane kyun, milo ke,Hai phasle tumse na jaane kyun
Anjaane, hai silsile.. Tum se na jaane kyun, sapne hai.Palko tale tum se na jaane kyunnnnnn…

Kaise batayein Kyun tujhko chahe Yaara bata na paayein....Baatein dil o ki
Dekho jo baki Aake tujhe samjhaein Tu jaane na aaaa..Tu jaane na

CATCH THE AMAZING VIDEO OF THIS SONG HERE .Its Worth it!

Talking of Love...

HIM -

Dear Diary,

Do you believe in love? I never used to… but one day I did !! from that very day… Nothing really has been the same! I have not been the same! Something has changed! I am changed!

SOMETHING THAT JUST HAPPENED UNNOTICED -

Gradually... for forever.

Let me tell you, How it all began...

We first met on that breezy evening. The location was her home.

It looked clean. She was wearing casual T shirt and a denim short. She looked cute rather then sexy. There was something about her that caught my attention. I am not sure what It was. It could have been a movement of legs while she chatted along. Or her usual practice of pulling her falling hairs back from her forehead and settling them behind, from the corner of ear. She had a very cute baby type voice and so much of freshness in her face. Her talks were too many and she said them all in one go. Ah! You feel like keep staring her all the time when you sit just next to such a good looking girl.

She had small eyes which almost vanished within her cheeks, every time she smiled...She was beautiful. She still is. I miss her a lot. I cry at nights thinking about the simplest way in which we met, unexpectedly and how we both lived on with each other till the time...I... I... I lost her. Its been 2 years, But I feel that it happened just this moment. For long, I wished I can turn back time and stop her... Now I...

I wish that she comes back one day,out of nowhere and finds me in this state. She might then believe that I actually loved her.

I miss being 'me', the way I was with her.

Dil dhal jaata hai
Raat jaati nahi

Aaankhein band karne se darr lagne laga hai...Jo kabhi haseen haqeeqat hua karti thi, wahi aaj Dard bhara khwaab hai!

*******************

HER -

Dear Diary

Someone made me learn the four letter word of Love in a way that might never be able to forget the lessons he taught me. He conquered me and still rules over my senses.

It was an amazingly beautiful evening that brought this cute little prince of my heart on my doorsteps for some reason, which I don't even remember now, it was so so small.

He looked like a teddy bear. He behaved like a kid, He sounded like a dreamer. There was a spark in him that engulfed my room and the moment when my eyes met his, I got lost in his world. He grabbed my attention for the moments he stayed with me and I kept thinking about him when He left, I don't know why? Then we met again, and again and again... There was something about this boy that made me crazy about him. He was what I wish I had. I loved him But...

2 years later, I just know...

I regret moving away from him, I wish I was still in the heat of his arms. I feel cheated. I feel lonely, I feel weak... I miss him! I wipe my eyes after thinking about the simplest things that led to our love. I hug my pillow and break in darkness.

Mera shareer yahin hai...Khushbu kahin reh gayi
Tumse dur toh chali aayi, Par shayad main wahin reh gayi

*******************

( PS - I feel like a used hankerchief)

(PPS - Kabhi khushbu, Kabhi jhoka, kabhi hawa sa lagey...Juda hokar bhi tu mujhse, juda juda sa lagey! )

Crumbling on My nerves

----------

Don't trust my eyes
They are deceptive
even for me.
Till where I can see,
Only thing that Lies before
Is
Darkness... Darkness... Darkness!

Sounds of merriness
are fading into shadows
of sheer ignominy

Abysmal mirages
seeping their way
to the core of my heart

Don't trust my vision
Its loosing sense
every now and then.
Till where I can plan,
Only thing I seem to be
Is
Blank.. Blank... Blank!

Crept within me
is a fear
of no less then
mass proportions

Some tears snuggling
into my cheeks
Some tears waiting
To be shed.

Don't trust my voice
Its sulking into pain
every passing second.
Till where I can scream
Only thing that comes back
Is
Echo... Echo... Echo!

********

I feel sick
I feel trapped
I feel tamed
I feel jealous
I feel disgusted
I feel ignominous
I feel disturbed
I feel ashamed
I know I am responsible for each of this.

-----------------

PS - I am done with what I wanted to vomit out from the past 48 hours!! You will see something better, then next time you spare time to read this blog! Sorry for the negativity that I just spit on your face. I need psychic treatment, anyways...


PPS - On a tombstone:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

Despodency

Staring in your eyes
Looking for support
searching for light
finding darkness in its core!

I am walking alone
down to hell
passing from fear
shedding my jewel

Up against me
is a tide of my own
shrieking in minnows
submitting in groans

Up and down
The pendulum swings
a gush of pain
for me it brings

I lay back to bed
entangle my pillow
submits to tears
rubbing this willow

It shapes to anger
a desire to destroy...
those who deteriorate
every possible joy

Its easier to find
the cracks in me
Its tougher to search
the life in me!

PS - I have quoted this scribble with reference to the sick place, where I am lending in 8 hours every passing day !! It is making me sick, It is making me cynical, It is making me vindictive! I feel like running away.... I hate that place! :( I regret being a part of it, I regret it every passing day!!

PPS - # Picture Quote ( From Zinda) - kehte hain waqt har zakhm bhar deta hai... Par shayad, Waqt hi mera Zakhm hai!

Psycho - 3

Dr. Sheetal,

I have failed to regain my normal behavior even after the complete consumption of your entire prescription. I don't feel like sipping blood anymore. I pray to god every night that I get out of this strange lust. The lust that never gives up and stops me from loving my own kid, stops me from getting close to my partner, stops me from behaving like everyone else. I am crying.

Please save me! I beg you. I am off to hunt my next prey.

Yours

M

Mail sent!

What are you getting ready for? Ramesh asked Madhavi.

“I have some work to finish off in office”. She replied politely to her husband.

“On Saturday Night too?, You office was supposed to be off on weekends always...”

“Yes It is mostly but today is an exception.”

he nodded in agreement and bid her a good bye kiss! “Be safe Honey...come back soon, Its been a long time since we spent some good time together”

She kissed him back. “I will be fine, will try to be back as soon as possible... You too take care of yourself and dinner for kids is kept in the fridge, serve it, in case I get late”

she boarded the taxi. Checked her handbag for the last time. Lusty undergarments, a packet of condom, a surgical knife and a bunch of thousand notes peeped from within. All check.

“Where mam? Asked the Taxi Driver.

“Sexy-Knight Zone Disco, Gurgaon Highway!”

*********

The atmosphere was building fast, Immediately after the stroke of midnight at SKZ Disco. Madhavi had changed her outlook, her office coat was replaced by a black waist length top and she was wearing a short skirt. Her hair hung loose, passion blazed in her eyes.

She ordered a drink. Music beats were loud. A boy of in his early twenties came towards her.

“Another drink for the lady” He ordered the bartender.

Their eyes met. A smile was passed from both sides.

“M?” he asked.

“Yes! And You must be ... LonelyBoy.”

“so finally we have met...You look gorgeous”

“And You are just the same...flattering!”

They were Facebook Buddies from past 4 months. And use to chat almost every day from last 2 months. This was their first meet in person.

“so... What have you decided?”. He asked.

“about what?”

“About... Your husband.”

“Oh! I don't know... may be we can work out on it”

“Yes, I am sure you both will. Did you told him that You have come here to meet me?”

“Yeah!”.she lied again.

.

.

.

They were seven drinks down when they decided to hit the dance floor. They danced in each others arms and were talking in between into each other's ears.

“Will you battle my Divorce case?”

“I thought you were about to talk it out”

“You are a lawyer and also a friend I am blindly trust”

“Really?”

“I am sure you will get me the custody of my Kids and ample amount of my husband's money too”

“Then...”

“Then what? I will marry again. Do I look that old?”

“You look far better then anyone around this place”

“I wish my husband thought this way for me”

“May be he does...”

“Its been a long time... since someone loved me”

“Your wait will be over soon, M”

“where is your place? Nearby?”

They dispersed out of the rush.

Kissing each other. They bumped in. falling on the bed soon.

Fire rose from half lit candles as they eloped into a strong and sensuous session. She had expected this to go exactly the same way it has gone so far. Passion went on for long. And then he slept.

“M” opened one of her eyes to check whether he was still asleep. She stood up. Redressed herself in vest and lower. She went in the kitchen and started crying. She was searching her handbag. He was sleeping innocently in the room. He woke up slowly.

.

.

.

He came from behind and held her in her arms. She smiled. They kissed.

“I love you...” She whispered. Her eyes were wet. He smiled. The smile disappeared. His eyes went red.

“YOU BITCH!” He muttered.

“Kumar???”

By the time she was wondering what is going on, He placed a knife on her neck. She went numb and speechless.

He slightly made a cut on her Throat and kissed the blood that came out. He smiled, tears rolled off his

eyes. She lost consciousness but her heart was thumping hard in fear. Warm Knife entered her belly and she closed her eyes in pain. Intestines fell on floor. She died. He bisected her body into hundreds of pieces and wrapped them all in a bag, He threw the bag in the other room. It had hundreds of similar bags and blood stains all around the floor. He smiled. A tear fell off his eyes.

He went in. washed his face. Opened his PC.

Username - Lonelyboy@gmail.com

Password - ******

Inbox – 3 Mails Unread -->

Open-->

1)

Dear M

I got you messages on my wall @ FB and Your passionate scraps on my Orkut, I accept you hand on friendship. We can meet anytime you feel like, My husband is usually out of town.

Hugs and kisses

Mona

2)

Fwd:Lonelyboy's solution for depressed wifes,

Dear friend

I trust u a lot, meet me as soon as possible, I want to discuss my marital disturbances with you. You understand me a lot. I loved your advice mails. Call me @ 989776322

Regards

Mary

3)

Mr Manav

Your condition is critical and I prescribe you to cut off any interaction with anyone immediately and please get yourself treated in the nearest psychological disorder expert. You are a danger to everyone around you.

Dr Sheetal.

(online confession consultancy)

--> log off!

He went in, laid on his bed and slept.

IN HIS DREAMS HE SAW -

“I love you a lot Madhu I am so sorry... today is our second marriage anniversary! Forgive for all the fights we had last year and tell me..”, “How can I make it better for you?”. Manav said from the other end of phone.

“You already has made me feel special by making call from so far, thanks for apologizing...Infact

talking firstly, What time is it in US?”

“Its 11 in night.”

“I better go off to work...” bye take care, Thanks for calling”

They use to fight a lot. He was mostly working all the time to listen to her but he loved her a lot. He was not calling from US. He was back in town. He wanted to give her a surprise. He came home from the first taxi he got from airport.

.

.

.

He opened the door with the additional keys that he had. Baby was crying in the drawing room. The center table had an envelope. He opened it. They were divorce papers. He got a lump in his throat. He wanted to cry. He was back after 4 months. He peeped in the other room and found her on bed with someone he dint knew... She was cheating on him! He broke down into tears....

.

.

Alarm bell rang and his sleep broke.

He got ready and headed on to Bubbles Disco!

Psycho - 2

DISCLAIMER - Life is strange and so is the society around us! It bores elements of every sort, this is my effort to peep into Psychological corners that I along with each of you neglect to focus on, as our understanding of the same is poor. People who have had a bad day can avoid making it furthur by reading this and people who have had a great day can escape this and continue being on the path of light...
The post ahead might hold your hand towards boundaries of darkess and leave you alone!




“I Don't Know it Mam! I am sorry...” Rohan stammered!

He was shivering with fear. A tear rolled off from within his specticals. A wild roar of laughs ran across the classroom. He looked back. Everyone was laughing loud on him including the teacher.

She came close to him, gently took out his glasses. His hands folded in front of her. The laughs went louder, SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! He fought hard to stop his tears.

It was a usual sight in this class, The newcomer Rohan was a weak and mediocre student. He was an odd one in class. He was polite yet no teacher admired him, he was friendly yet he had no friends to count on, people laughed on him cos I this class of computer science he was such an easy target.

He came from a poor background and in regard to his disability of never been exposed to computer studies previously, he lacked the basic knowledge of using the system. The teacher miss Kanchan use to ask one question to him everyday which would leave him in gallows of embarrassment and shame.

She shouted on him and randomly slapped him for his errors. After class he use to go into the boy's dormitory and splash water on his eyelids to wipe off the tears that came during those dreadful moments of CS class.

“Mam I am really very very....” He broke down!

Kanchan mam laughed loud. “Look at him, such a loser... poor cry baby, uff! I hate such Dumbo kids”

SLAP!

“Stop your drama, You Idiot...” she giggled. Her eyes had cruel pity!

“I won't repeat it again mam...” he sobbed. Ashamed and disgusted but very calm and polite.

Class kept on laughing. What a loser! Some voices came from behind. He turned back and found people with a grin on every face visible.

************

She was rushing back to home after shopping when suddenly her scooty bumped into the back of a car.

She was 40 year something but had beautiful eyes and charming skin. The car driver came out to examine the scene and Immediately recognized those eyes.

“Kachan mam?”

“yes... sorry? I dint recognized you beta”

“You taught me in High school, 10 years back mam...”, replied the good looking, young tall boy!

“Ah! Ok son, see.. I am sorry for the damage of your car, I lost control of my scooty ashly... I am still not good at driving this stupid thing, It belongs to my daughter.”

“Oh! Come on mam... You are embarrassing me... I will drop you to home”

“Ok beta... I am sorry but I haven't still recognized ya”

“Ah! Let it be mam.. I wasn't worth remembering anyways...” He smiled!

They got in car. The scooty was given for repair in the adjacent shop. Rohan told her how he went on to successfully beat the engineering entrance and grabbed a top job at a leading MNC. He just returned to Delhi last week for a job consignment and will stay here for a week.

“Its very special when I see my taught children, reach some good position in life”

“I can't thank anyone more then How much I wish to thank you mam!”

“Ah! God bless you beta!”

“Which section you were in, that batch?”

The car stopped suddenly.

BANG! Something hit at the back of her head. Her eyes closed.

.

.

.

They opened again! Her head was still paining. She was in a dark room. Completely covered with foul smell. Blood stains were on her shoulders. A boy was sitting beneath the bulb. His
eyes were red.

She was puzzled. Confused, helpless and terrified. She smelled danger.

He came close. “Hi Mam! You don't exactly remember me, But I do!”

“Who are you????????? Leave me for god's sake!!!!!”

“Not so early mam! Did you ever forgave me for anything I did, then how could I?”

“I don't even remember you son... Please!!! I beg you!!!”

“Don't call me son, You F**kin Bitch! SLAP!!!”

Tears rolled from her eyes, as well as from her chin. Her eyes had fear. Fear of worst.

“I want to tell you mam, That I never intentionally failed in your class.... I use to remain awake for nights to study but the chapters were never clear to me... I was ... I was... afraid to ask you... afraid to face you... afraid to see you... afraid of being alive ... I wished to die... rather then to face you in class again! “

“Please let me go... I have a family at home...waiting ... I beg you”

“ I use to cry for nights after coming back from school... I remained silent... I started taking pills... I smoked in loneliness... But that fear and irritation never got away”, “ My parents took me to a different world... A new school... A new college... A new place... But those dreams never left my pillow...”He shouted as a cold blood tear rolled off his eyes.

“I am sorry for whatever happened Rohan, I must have never done it intentionally”

“My foot! You You and Only You had made me what I am. A criminal. A psychological patient. A depressing maniac. A failure. A businessman of misery”

“But You said... You were In MNC..”

“I lied”. He laughed out loud, “I never lied about my homework those days, I was always honest when I said...I tried but couldn't finish it... But You never listened to me... Huh!”, “And Now today...You trust even my lies...ha ha ha!”

several tears rolled off his dark hazy eyes. He showed her the cut wrist marks on her skin. He attempted suicide twise in past 5 months to escape the dreams of those days.

He told her how he had returned to Delhi, Just to avenge his misery from her.

“I beg you...” She folded her hands and cried hard!

“I am sorry mam! The last thing... I want to confess to you is that Your favorite student Prakash always bitched about you. He stole my homework note book and got those three A+ which belonged to me. I respected you the most and No one else...” He cried loudly. Shrieked. Shivered. He took out a wooden pointed log, resembling to her cane. The one which she used to beat her students with, those days.

He had a grin on his face and tears in her eyes.

“SQUASSHH!”

The wood went passed her head from the bottom of her forehead. He brought out a Teacher's day card dated 1998. written on it was “I am sorry for what I am , mam!”. He covered her dead eyes with it. Cried. Rubbed his eyelids. Smiled in tears.

he lifted her body and left.

***

Tomorrow's HT city tabloid page had two sidebar headlines.

“Senior teacher of a prominent school dies in a road accident”

“Dangerous Mental patient of Agra, Caught in Delhi”

(PS - I had delayed the publishing of this post cos I wanted to let festivities of Diwali end. I don't know how much I am doing justice to the theme of "Vindictive Hatred and Psychological grudge". I can end this series before its final post if Majority of you readers want me to. I have fulfilled my promise to Salil and I am happy about that, But definately not about the energy that I am releasing from this space! Sigh! I thought a lot about so many teachers whom I hated in my school before penning this one down. This is modified 17 times and sevral elements of extremeness have been removed before the post came out for you all to read, But what about my mind, which still carries the deleted work in me! )

(PPS -In my shoes, just to see..What its like, to be me..Ill be you, lets trade shoes..Just to see what id be like..To feel your pain, you feel mine..Go inside eachothers minds..Just to see what we'd find..Look at shit through eachothers eyes..Don't let them say you aint beautiful )

Psycho - 1

DISCLAIMER - Life is strange and so is the society around us! It bores elements of every sort, this is my effort to peep into Psychological corners that I along with each of you neglect to focus on, as our understanding of the same is poor. People who have had a bad day can avoid making it furthur by reading this and people who have had a great day can escape this and continue being on the path of light...
The post ahead is the first one in the psycho trilogy and might hold your hand towards boundaries of darkess and leave you alone!

“Its so sweet, isn't it?”, Ridhima exclaimed looking deep into the mist of the cloudy sky.

“Seems a bit cynical to me!”, replied Sam!

Not your fault anyways... you are what? A dump of hatred!

so...you mean to say...???

yeah! Exactly, I mean the same, you see,,,

hmmm....

“Murdered seven already, what more you want?”, she was loud!

“I don't know... may be a lot lot more is yet to be done!” he said in a low voice,gazing on the sadness of the sky which only he could see.

Sameer, popularly known as Sam was studying forensic medical science in Australia, he was shot thrice in cold blood from a point blank range by a couple of Aussie Junkies on racial grounds but miraculously he was operated and he survived. In the same accident he lost his younger sister and parents. He came back to India the other day of his release from Hospital there, was now living with the girl who was his only support! Her Fiancée Ridhima was a psychiatrist in New Dehli and was observing his behavior from past 2 months. He seems to have developed a love of killing those whom he loved, It started with his flower pot collection, the went on to the burning of his childhood long stamp book, and gradually moved on to his pets. He poisoned his pair of white Mice, and strangulated his dogs, The last one was Ridhima's cat, whom he gifted to her on their first anniversary! She fell from the roof of their flat, Ridhima was sure that the cat was being thrown by none other then him.

The only question that she was to answer herself was that why on earth they were still together?

She was her doctor, the only one left to take care of him but so what? He was dangerous indeed and who else can know it better then her. It was high time when she stops putting cover on his strange activities and separate ways in life so that He can be consulted to medical care centers meant to accommodate such cases.

Today they are on the balcony. Discussing the known fact to both for the first time. She was kind and stupid at the same time to have saved Sam from this shame earlier.

“You were the One who killed my Kitty, the other day na?”, she asked firmly!

“No! How can you even think of this?” he grumbled back!

“I'm rather sure about it Sam, But hey... listen to the whole thing first...”

“Listen What Ridz? What? YOU TELL ME STRAIGHT if you want me to leave and please don't cook these fuckin plots...”

“arrey! What happened? Why on earth are you shouting?” Look! “I am trying to say...”

“That I am psycho na!....”

“Yeah! Thats what you want to say... hai na?” he carried on!

“No na! Suno pehle... just be calm! , I wish to say something first...” she said politely, keeping a hand on his cheeks!

He was sobbing hard! “Ridhima ... I am sorryyyyy yaar!”.

She was teary, time is so cruel, last 30 days for this boy were real tough, he is not actually in his senses!

She hugged her back and rubbed her hands on his shoulders! “hey... I love you a lot Sam! We can get you treated, its the first stage of this problem, Just a patch!”

“Pucca? Sure na??? More tears! He emraced her tight!

“Yes sure! I will just book the tickets, We are leaving for Bombay tomorrow, I know a center there for such cases and the Doc is a personal good friend of mine! Sidharth is practicing there... You remember? He was in the same school with us yaar, It won't be that tough to talk this out with him I am sure!

“Do whatever you want, but please save me! I am not what I was...” ,”save me”,SAVE ME!!

he held her even tighter! She kissed his forhead!

They sat on the balcony for almost an hour. He was sleeping in her arms, it was about to rain. She saw him, His bruised injuries seemed like a pain for her eyes. She muffed her hairs!

She stood up...went in and Dialed the travel agent.

“Yeah! Two tickets”

“yes.. ok ok!!”

“Thanks!”

She came out again. It was raining, she kissed his eyes. They were wet too!

He got half awake, “Hug me please...” he whispered!

They were into each others arms.

She froze!

Her T-shirt from the Navel was Red!

She was stabbed!

He cried again, this time louder.

He went in. redialed the number.

“yes! Make it one!”

************

PS - This one is a dedication to My Friend Salil who prompted me to take up the theme of hatred and explore my writing jonoure! I purposely avoided the grey flavor to dvell more into the story cos my young readers ( so many of them who are teenagers) are always at the back of my mind and I never wanted them to be feeding cruelty from this page atleast! I will go into deeper shades of blood from the next posts in this trilogy so I am afraid that you readers have to bear with me of now! :) Hope you will enjoy reading these too!

PPS - Check out the Video of My friend Kartikey performing Hotel california on guitar HERE! and Follow me on Twitter if you wish to have my updates ... I am quite regular there these days! THATS THE LINK FOR MY PAGE! My schedule have got tighter now so blog posts might not be that regular and comments will be answered but there might be delay too so please forgive me for that :) Twitter will thereby be an easier way to stay updated with what I am upto :) Thanks everyone! Take care and god bless!