Meaningless Scribbles

- Wednesday, 11 July -2012 -

12.08 am

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In mornings like these...

when it rains

I think of you

and of all the tears that I had given you

and of all the promises I did but failed to make them come true

and of all the pictures of yours that I borrowed from you and told u I shall keep them with me forever which now lies somewhere deleted in the trash folder of my laptop

and of that black dress which I had planned to gift you

and of the mango shake which we shared, the last time we had met

and of the way I keep hearing stories about you being in pain because I walked out of your life

and of the self justification I keep giving myself for that action knowing that its all a lie

and of how my messaging this other girl makes me feel like a sinner from inside

and of how with you, my ability to love someone purely has also ended

and of how you might be somewhere crying

and of how deep within me-- knowing that --- somewhere I am dying.

In mornings like these...

when it rains

I feel like sharing it when water would drop on your skin

I feel like touching it when water would soak from your hair

I feel like smelling it from the softness of your lips

I feel like playing with it by playing with you

I feel like crying realizing that I can't do any of this now

In mornings like these...

I find myself closer to life

I find myself cribbing more

I find myself playing a bluff to my own heart

I find myself not being able to focus on anything much

I find myself thinking about a time that never really existed

I find myself drenching

I find myself as a joke - smiling on the unexplained depression that I live with

I find myself trying to light up a cigratte

I find myself not admitting that I miss you

I find myself confused again , just as I had always been

I find myself hating you and myself.